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9.10.15

September 10, 2015

Hello again And So It Begins. Long time, no talk. I actually sort of replaced this blog with a private one I’ve written on all of 10 times in the last two years, but today I felt was a day to come back. After the morning I’ve had, I read a post over on A Blog About Love that made me want to write in public today.

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Lately, I don’t know what I’m doing.
And everything is fine really.

  • I’m financially sound for the first time since college.
  • I actually like my job. It’s somewhat challenging and I like my coworkers.
  • I have a wonderful apartment that not only looks good, but is safe and convenient and close to things I need or do.
    • Seriously, I live 5 minutes from work. I’m never moving so long as I work where I am because Charlotte traffic gives me major anxiety.
  • I finally got my hair under control. I finally cut it all off a few months back and am looking forward to having “medium length” hair for the foreseeable future.
  • I’ve finally got my skin care routine under control and am doing my best to wear sunscreen more so I don’t get wrinkly as I get older.
  • I finally went to the dentist the other week, after four years of not going :/ And everything was somehow fine with no cavities or gum disease and now I just need to get a cleaning. Plus the women there were super nice so it wasn’t even a horrible experience overall.
  • Thankfully my car still works, despite looking awful as hell with peeling paint all over the hood and in desperate need of a vacuum.

It’s not a long list, really, but still – there’s really nothing to be unhappy over. And yet, I’m uneasy.

This morning the main designer I work with told us he has not only been looking for another job for the past year, and within the last two weeks has interviewed with another company and was almost immediately offered a job. And as of this morning he has turned in his two weeks notice. This immediately sent me into panic mode complete with hyperventilating in my head while going straight to the worst possible future scenario this could cause. I’m already fearing the future work load crushing me while the other designer I work with also finds another job and me stuck here unable to leave, dying under the load of design requests for things I can’t manage to think up awesome or even good designs for.

And so after this, I’m once again left thinking as I have been for the last few months – what do I want to do? When I graduated, and even after I got my first real job, I had all these “plans.” These things I told people I would like to do and was going to do. And then, I never really did them. Either my interests changed, or I never really wanted to do them that much in the first place, or whatever. And the more I lived in my old apartment and worked at my old job, the less I did outside of work and the less I talked about all those things I was going to do.

So going along with the A Blog About Love post I read, I just wondered/hoped that there are others out there like me. I mean, obviously and logically there have to be. (Ah…dur.) But I wonder what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling if they’re going through the same thing as me. And what are they doing about it?

The problem with thinking and reading too much is, I already know the answer to “what can I do about this?” I could probably even duplicate a “# of Things You Can Do To…” list. But all that motivational advice is just not what I’m looking for right now. I don’t need a standard “You’re just in a certain place right now, things won’t stay this way forever.” Because I know they won’t. But it would just be nice, I think, to be going through this with someone or several someones. As much of an introvert as I’ve become, over the last year I’ve started to want a little more human interaction than I’ve had the last three years – as I’ve slowly and surely gone into what my mother calls hibernation.

Things are definitely good right now, but I just keep having this feeling that they could be better. And I have no clue as to what would work for me to get started on it – that would actually work for me. Because trust me, I’ve already got a list of things to improve or do, but I have almost zero motivation to get started on it. And just continuing to plan and daydream and make lists is slowly driving me crazy.

So, that’s all really. Two years to the month [crazy] and this is all I wanted to say. Here’s hoping I get out of this funk soon and onto new and great things.

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