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September 7, 2013

Well hello there again. I have been writing and rewriting this post in my head for about a month now. And I wanted to write it here because I need to talk some things out, but I need to talk them out with several people at once. So I’m hoping that by giving in and doing this here today, I can make a decision to stop worrying over all the things I’m going to write about.

We’ll see…

Lately I have been thinking again about my future. Mostly career wise, as I have few personal relationships to manage right now and I would really like to get my career side in order before I even try to start trying to add any romantic relationships to the list that is my life. Over the course of my time at My First Real Job, I have grown in ways I never imagined. I had a general plan when I took this job, and nothing I generalized on has happened. I have stepped away from the main course of design as I have found I have greater strengths in things like organization, coordinating and helping people. And really, the main thing I say I want to do these days hasn’t changed much from what I was saying two years ago. Upon graduating from college I knew I didn’t want to do just one thing – I just wanted to help people make stuff. Two years later that has morphed into “I want to help people [and/or companies] do what they do better” – which includes making things, but also includes learning, helping to teach, helping to create new systems, and generally just helping people get their mess together. 

So my main question to myself lately is “How do I go about doing this?” What should I be doing now, in my current position that will help me get to that place? What should I be reading or doing or watching or talking about? You’d think with all the resources available to us these days I’d have found at least something to get me started. However, Friday my plans were put on halt as something unexpected happened. And the problem with trying to think ahead and consider all the angles, is that I know I’m being ridiculous in my line of thinking right now. There is no point in jumping ahead and thinking of every possible scenario that could happen if this happens, or that happens, or those things happen. It’s making me long for my school days when all my friends were freaking out about relationships and school work and I just kept thinking “Why? I’ll get it done, and if I don’t, I don’t.” and that was that. 

Now I worry if I’m doing well at my job. And if I am, I should be documenting it so that it will eventually help me go to the job I’m supposed to have after this. Because after all, I don’t want to be in one place “forever”. But then, is it traitorous to be thinking of other work while I still have a job? But then, it’s also good to think ahead. And then what if I do get a new job, wouldn’t that be awesome? But then what if I have to move. What if I get there and let them down? What if I get there and I don’t like it? What if I get there and then get stuck there “forever?” Then I should be open to new things, but that leaves too many things. So I should just concentrate on one main goal? Well what is that goal? What if I get into it and it doesn’t work out/I don’t like it and I have to start over again? How long should I give myself to figure that out? How long before I actually need to stop thinking about all this and really make a choice on something?

And don’t even get me started on adding in a romantic relationship into the equation – that would be the biggest monologue ever.

So, as of now – 3:15pm on September 7, 2013 – I am going to stop with this line of thinking. I am going to make a plan to find any form of help I can – preferably in book or blog form, as I can’t afford mentoring – and start something. I am going to figure out what I want out of my career and start working towards that, and not think about where that next step will be located. 

After all, it’s a bit hypocritical to not listen to my own advice – everything will work out when and how it’s supposed to work out. Especially since it irks me that other people don’t listen when I give advice. Also, it’s just adding more guilt that I’m worry over all this when there are greater injustices and suffering going on in the world. 

So here’s to a new start, or more accurately continuing with the path I’m on and seeing what happens. 

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 29, 2013 9:19 pm

    As I was reading this post I thought of the book “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg. I remembered that when I read it I thought of you several times. If you read it, I would love to discuss it with you.

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